Now.

I am not sure what I am suppose to be feeling right now i feel like there is too much going through my head and it is all too much for me to process. I am unstable. Very unstable. This hasn't happened before. Not on this level.
Thorns. Goodnight world I need to sleep. Too much on my mind.

I don't mean

I don't mean to make a mess of things I just tend to do that when I try to do anything.

...

I am choosing the Roses.
I am already caught in its thorns...
The flowers are so beautiful
They are impossible to ignore
The fragrance is drawing me closer...
I wonder if the petals taste good...
I want to see the center of the garden though...
it will take me a while...

Numb

Broken heart.

Shattered, torn, smashed dropped to the bottom of the lake.
No one is going to get to it for now.
The walls are growing bigger than before.
I won't let you in. I refuse.
I have made up my mind now.
I hate being hurt.
So I am going to be numb instead.
I will put on a face and act like the person everyone sees.
But you will know how I feel on the inside.
Maybe I will find something to distract me from all of the things that hurt me.

I have the key but you won't get it from me. You won't get to see what is left of me. No one ever has seen all of me.
They only see what is on the outside.
You might have peeked at the inside once but no person has ever seen what is truly on the inside.
I am broken and bleeding I will cover everything with these sheets around me no one will see what is truly happening to me.
It hurts.
I hate it.
I hate feeling this pain.
I hate being broken.
I hate being torn.
I hate crying myself to sleep.
Hate is a horrible thing.
I remember it as a child I hated my mom for leaving me. Then I cried because I missed her. I remember crying all night till I fell asleep.
I remember wailing on the floor wanting to be loved but no one ever came.
I hate remembering.

I stabbed my heart with your thorns.
They poisoned it.
Scraped it.
Made it bleed.
Then you grabbed it and shattered it.
scattering all of the pieces in the lake.
You lit them on fire as a funeral in a casket.
watched it sink.
What is wrong with me?
tell me is there something wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
Numb.
Blood.
Tears.
death.
My walls are growing.

You won't get even past the second one.
Bluebells might have a chance.
Might.
I am not sure.
I am not sure if I will let anyone in ever again.
My heart is shattered.
I wonder if it has died yet.
Hmmm silence.
I miss you silence.
I miss you simplicity.
I miss you.
I don't want to be around you though.
Roses...I don't want to smell you in the breeze.
I could use hope right now.

trying

Going to get into Job corps.
Hmmm not sure... bluebells or Roses.... still confused.... :3 but I do have to say both are amazing :)
I will have to choose.... maybe... or maybe things will sort out... Prayer helps....
hmmm I need a place to live too....
I do have to say bluebells keeps on impressing me day after day but then again I am only just getting to know her.... I hope to know soon who I am suppose to choose.... I am excited to do Job corps :3
Bluebells are pretty and Roses are amazing....

Alas I am only a lily though....
My beauty will fade quickly...

Me

I was born on May 18th 1991.
My Full Name is Joshua Lee Reber.
My Dad's name is Richard.
My Birth mom's name is Deidre A. Burden
My Mom's name is Rose.
I remember very little of my childhood... maybe only a few memories... glimpses of the past.

I am unraveling on the floor fraying into what is left of me.

I remember the day that my Birth Mom left... I remember going home and finding no one there and my dad picking me up panicking along with both of my brothers...
I remember her calling and asking to take Daniel with her because he was the only one she wanted to take but my Dad refused because you don't seperate the brothers. She doesn't seem to realize the extent she has hurt me but more than that the extent she has hurt my brothers and my family with the choices she had made.

My Dad was addicted to porn and was on drugs.
This seeped into my life I was watching porn in fourth grade and it was skewing my logic i didn't understand what it was doing to me at all at the time I found it fascinating and didn't know it was wrong.

I have multiple memories of screaming and crying for my birth mom as a child and curling into a ball sometimes hiding in the closet.

For a very long time since about fifth grade I had nightmares that I didn't tell anyone about and they scared me very much some of them are similar to my poetry until my senior year of high school they came and went at various times sometimes more or less.

In sixth grade she came back for three months and left the day before my birthday. She wanted to blame my Dad for everything she blamed him that he ruined her life that none of this was her fault that he was the one that ruined everything and is the one who hurt me. I remember screaming at her telling her that she was the one mistaken. Later on I found out she was the one who got my dad into porn again...

Seventh Grade was uneventful I remember nothing from it really except picking up the habit of cutting.

Eighth grade was when my Dad got married to Rose and when my dad became saved. Life started to change when these things occured. I tried to kill myself in seventh and eighth grade.

I was saved in ninth grade but I feel I truly didn't grasp who God really was until half way through the year. Over the course of going to Calvary chapel I slowly was changing

Mike Macy was a person who had influenced me greatly and showered me with the love of Christ.
I ran into this guy everywhere even in the woods in one of the many places I used to meditate and he always came at a time when i desperately needed someone to talk to or needed to be reminded or inspired he was always there.

I threw myself around in relationships relentlessly in High school and feel stupid for that i was in love with one person throughout it but all of the others felt like the giddy lovey doveyness that really wasn't love at all...

I feel stupid for throwing myself around.

Hopefully God will keep working on me...
But then again I don't know what is going to happen.
I don't know much now.

I don't

Think I will ever be used to any of this.
I wonder what will happen next... I am not sure what will occur...