Numb

Broken heart.

Shattered, torn, smashed dropped to the bottom of the lake.
No one is going to get to it for now.
The walls are growing bigger than before.
I won't let you in. I refuse.
I have made up my mind now.
I hate being hurt.
So I am going to be numb instead.
I will put on a face and act like the person everyone sees.
But you will know how I feel on the inside.
Maybe I will find something to distract me from all of the things that hurt me.

I have the key but you won't get it from me. You won't get to see what is left of me. No one ever has seen all of me.
They only see what is on the outside.
You might have peeked at the inside once but no person has ever seen what is truly on the inside.
I am broken and bleeding I will cover everything with these sheets around me no one will see what is truly happening to me.
It hurts.
I hate it.
I hate feeling this pain.
I hate being broken.
I hate being torn.
I hate crying myself to sleep.
Hate is a horrible thing.
I remember it as a child I hated my mom for leaving me. Then I cried because I missed her. I remember crying all night till I fell asleep.
I remember wailing on the floor wanting to be loved but no one ever came.
I hate remembering.

I stabbed my heart with your thorns.
They poisoned it.
Scraped it.
Made it bleed.
Then you grabbed it and shattered it.
scattering all of the pieces in the lake.
You lit them on fire as a funeral in a casket.
watched it sink.
What is wrong with me?
tell me is there something wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
Numb.
Blood.
Tears.
death.
My walls are growing.

You won't get even past the second one.
Bluebells might have a chance.
Might.
I am not sure.
I am not sure if I will let anyone in ever again.
My heart is shattered.
I wonder if it has died yet.
Hmmm silence.
I miss you silence.
I miss you simplicity.
I miss you.
I don't want to be around you though.
Roses...I don't want to smell you in the breeze.
I could use hope right now.